Jason Bedell Online

My mind & ideas were wrecked. After the elementary experience I trusted no one. It was me and me only. I continued to go to church since my parents made us, but I couldn't stand it. The sight of happy people and Jesus in the same room made me feel weird.

I know this sounds odd coming from a little kid's mind, but I went along with it. I did the musicals, I dressed like a stupid sheep for a manger scene at Christmas- and it was ridiculous. I was a happy kid when I was in control and around my friends, that was it.

Being around them made me feel good and being in charge gave me a sense of entitlement and power. I really loved it. No, i lived for it. So as I went into middle school, I began to look at females less as people and more like objects. Who was going to be conquered next?

I would see how many girls I could date and do things with. I would lie about everything. Absolutely everything to get girls to like me. Deception was my strong suit. It went hand in hand with the power trip and I knew how to use it. So I would tell my mom and dad I was off to a friends house and go to parties and hang out with friends and girls. I would "mess around" and what not with a few girls, come home or "sleep over" at a friend's house and call it a night. I didn't cross the "intercourse" bridge... yet.

All the while I thought I was just shoving a big middle finger up to the heavens at God. I was on a mini-middle school rampage and I could care less about who was in my path. But the messing around was only going to fill me up for so long. I needed something more. Something different.

Until next time...