Jason Bedell Online

I was glad to leave the young man and his dog as a memory and move on to other things. In the many years of doing student ministry I dealt with other people's issues like: suicide, divorce, homosexuality, abuse (verbally and physically), sexual addiction, pornography, liars, alcoholics, cynics, angry parents, and the list goes on.

I NEVER thought I would be exposed to that, but I should have known better. In my Christian life, I've had a handful of mentors. Of that handful, all but one have left ministry. 4 of the men who really poured into my life ended up leaving the church because they slept with women in the church, prostitutes, or students. Out of control. "Is this really God's church?!" I thought over and over in my head. So stepping into ministry I knew I would see all the these things I guess, but it never really registered until I was in the thick of it.

What I did know is that I needed to guard myself against these things. But, unfortunately I didn't do a very good job. Coming from the past that I did, it made it difficult to trust people. So, as I began to see my guard slipping and Satan attacking, I gave into what I thought would be an easy (and one time) fix: internet pornography.

Being a single guy, doing ministry all day long with students, no real time for relationships- it seemed like the perfect solution. "So how do you do ministry all day and check out porn in the evenings and still think you're fit to serve God?" Great question.

I actually didn't think I was fit to serve God while it was happening. I beat myself up about it. Cried about it. Knew I should stop. Wanted to stop. Hated what I was looking at after the fact. Thought I was a loser who couldn't get the "real thing." I was spiraling out of control, but I liked it. It was a like a rush of endorphins when I would open up the search bar. They were all there for the taking. They were all there for me. Or so I thought. If you have never dealt with or struggled in the area of sexual addiction, count yourself amazingly blessed. If you have been a part of it- I hate to break it to you, but it is something that will never leave the confines of your mind... unless you allow God to do a true spiritual cleansing of your heart, mind, and soul.

When God comes in and cleans the Rolodex of images in your mind, enters your heart and fills it completely, and makes your soul whole in ways words cannot express- then you will see change. It took me opening up to a pastor friend a year into ministry and then having a handful of pastors hold me accountable at a beach house in Nags Head for me to truly begin the process.

But I'm glad someone told me- it's a process. Fighting the battle of sexual addiction is one day at a time with God at the helm. It isn't cold turkey and you're good. Anyone who tells you that is full of it. My accountability partners really helped me understand that and it aided me in the healing process.

So, God was doing His thing in my life, I was pushing along in ministry, and then I met her. And so I entered a new chapter in these ol' Vans...