2.03.2009
Here is her journal entry in streaming thought on the loss of her mother...
Mom passed away around 4am Dec. 14th 2008.
She had been admitted to the hospital wed afternoon 12/10.
She was taken by ambulance after finally giving in and deciding to go to the hospital because her legs were extremely swollen and seeping fluid. My dad and i had been urging her to go to the doc for the past few weeks because she was having increased difficulty breathing and was becoming very short of breath when walking.
Over the past few months she had given going out to lunch with friends, going to Bunco, and any other activity that meant exerting effort. She only went to the credit union and McDonalds (the drive thrus).
The two weeks before she went into the hospital i had stayed home from work one day each week--first because i was sick, then because Chloe was sick. Both days i stayed home my mom fell and couldn't get up. The first time i successfully helped her, the second time i had to call an ambulance to come assist her.
Her diagnosis in hospital was just as before congestive heart failure. when we went to visit her she was her usually self stubborn and board. She was putting up a fight with the PT, i felt so bad for him. We didn't' see much improvement in her legs or her breathing but she didn't seem worse.
She wanted to go home so bad. Around 10pm the house phone rang downstairs and i didn't get to it in time. I didn't know anyone that would call my parents house that late so i thought it was my mom calling from the hospital. I called her room back and she answered the phone, i could tell she had been asleep. I asked if she called and she said no. I said well are you alright. She said she was fine. I said well go back to sleep, we will see you in the morning. She said okay and hung up.
That would be the last time I would ever talk to my mom.
A few hours later in the middle of the night Friday night I got a phone call from a doctor telling me she had gotten worse and couldn't breathe, she had agreed to let them put in a breathing tube and she was transferred to the ICU. Now my mom had made herself a dnr when she was admitted so i was really confused as to why she would be okay with a breathing tube, but I guess when you are short of breath and craving oxygen, you will do anything.
The doctor did say they agreed this was only a temporary thing to see if she could improve her heart function while on the vent. I wholeheartedly believe that my mom knew she was getting worse, maybe on the verge of dying and the doctor told her she would be sedated while on the breathing tube and would be comfortable. I believe my mom was okay with getting the breathing tube because she knew she would be kept asleep. I think she knew she wouldn't wake up.
The next morning my dad and i went to the ICU, the nurse was in there. She was hooked up to medicine for her heart and sedation. She was out and just looked horrible. Later that afternoon my dad and sister went back and they said her kidneys had shut down. They hadn't been able to wean a medicine that was helping her heart pump and while that medicine helped her heart, it harmed the rest of the body. I planned on going Sunday morning before church to see her.
Jason and I went to the staff Christmas party sat night. I got a phone call around 11 Sat. night from the same doctor I had talked to the night before. He wanted to know if we had been updated that day. i told him what i knew and there wasn't anything new. He even talked about if/when she got stable, she would need to go on the transplant list. I told him she wouldn't want to go through another surgery. She had been adamant about that.
A few hours later, the doctor called back. i knew when the phone rang that time what it would be. I answered the phone and he said " This is Dr. ________ again. I have some really bad news. You're mom passed away a few minutes ago. Even on the heart medications her heart just gave up."
I was in shock, although she hadn't been well for a while, it was still a shock. He asked if we wanted to see the body before the morgue took it, I said no. I had to go downstairs and tell my dad which was the hardest thing i have ever done. I had to comfort him as he wailed. I had to call my sister and tell her. Then Sunday morning I had to go to the hospital and collect her personal items which was incredibly difficult. Walking into that ICU by myself and seeing the empty bed where she had been the day before was awful. All the nurses looking at me knowing was hard too. They were very helpful and comforting but i was still there alone.
They handed me a bag and i broke down. How could my mom and all my memories of childhood come in a large white paper bag. The next few days were a blur with planning the funeral, contacting insurance companies, and having the viewing and funeral. Thank goodness for Chloe--she has been my dad's comfort and focus during this entire time. I am also thankful that God and my mom made the decision when she would die instead of it coming down to my dad having to make the decision to take her off the ventilator.
Thank you Carrie for sharing so openly. I love you and love your strength in all of this. God is continually rebuilding us. He's going to keep us moving in this journey.
More from these ol' Vans coming soon...